Eric Kaplanek, My Cousin

Eric Kaplanek is as incompetent as a young child. Every time he comes out of the bathroom, there is what else but a 1/3 of a roll of toilet paper stuck to his heels. Every time. Did I mention he works as a waiter at The Chancery? You know that one employee with the untidy hair and untucked shirt? That’s him, constantly getting customers’ orders wrong, spilling food and drinks on the carpeting, tables, and even customer’s heads. It’s just an average day for him.

 And then there was that one time, when he was shoveling snow, he put all that he shoveled on the road! Being so silly, can’t Eric Kaplanek do anything right?

Every time he does something he knows he shouldn’t have he yells “Doh!”, but with a much quirkier voice, as if Homer Simpson were an Oompa-Loompa.

A Minecraft Story, Part II: A World Of Danger

     With my back against the door, I waited and thought. I had injuries that would be considered near-fatal, but somehow they didn't bleed or even hurt at all. I peered through the door and saw the spider that could have killed me. It was big for a spider and had glowing red eyes that were fixed right on my door as it continued to jump and screech with anger.
     Turning around to my workbench, without thinking I put two planks on a stick and in moments made a wooden sword. With a hit towards the door it immediately swung open and invited the spider. It took a few slashes, but he curled over and withered away, and dropped two flat pieces of string. I collected these,  and before I could wonder what these would be good for, I heard another noise. It sounded something like "bbrains...."  and gargling sounds from only I could imagine. A blocky world with skeleton archers, spiders, and zombies? It seems either insanity is sinking in, or I need to figure out how to get out of this nightmare.
     While putting 7 sticks in an "H" formation and creating two ladders, I decided to dig into the ground to see what kind of ore I could use to survive. I dug with my shovel, then with my pickaxe when I hit stone. I discovered iron ore, a peach colored mineral that I had to upgrade to stone to collect. I used 8 of the stone I collected to make a furnace, and used coal to smelt the iron ore cubes I obtained.
     Because of my strange super powers, It was apparent I didn't need to heat rock to extreme temperatures to create a sword, I could make one with my bare hands! Burrowing more of my mineshaft, I reached a cavern, and when I put a torch in the dark abyss I saw something terribly strange. Half in the darkness there was a green creature with four tentacle-like legs, and on its face was a wide-eyed look of pure horror. Its look was suddenly fixed on me as it started charging forward. I turned around and ran, but was too slow. With a hissing sound, there was an explosion and all I saw was nothing but red and spinning.... spinning..
     With a sudden intake of breath, I found myself standing on sand with a pool of still water right beside me. The same place I awoke less than two days before. It appears every time I'm killed I appear at this spot. Interesting...
     On my way back to the shelter, I noticed two things: there were no zombies, skeletons, spiders, or those weird green things around at all, and they seem to have been replaced with farm animals. I saw a herd of cows, and I became intimidated. "Are they friendly?" I thought timidly. But my fears seemed unnecessary as the cows just looked at me, then continued to meander and occasionally moo. I utilized my punching abilities to see what would happen. It yelped in pain, then continued as if nothing happened. I then started to punch the cow until it keeled over and disappeared, and in its place were two flat pieces of leather hide. Continuing past the rest of the cows, I noticed a herd of pigs, and I proceeded to kill them to obtain porkchops.
     When I found my wooden house, curiosity got the best of me as I climbed down the ladder to the cavern where I was killed. I found that my corpse seemed to have disappeared, and there was a sizable crater that opened up the cavern to another entrance. All of my items were scattered across the stone floor and the crater that the creeper created.
 To be continued....

Informative Writers Magazine is Informative



Hey, look! I'm reading!

     As my next assignment looms, I just won't do it. I am too caught up in Writers Magazine, with their instructions on how to market your self-published book. Of course I do aspire to be a writer, or have some kind of writing related career. I always thought it would be interesting to write a book, perhaps a life story.
     This article is a short and sweet page that outlines 10 pieces of advice relating to books and how to publish them. one of these is to try to arrange interviews with radio and television stations. Now, this is where I went "Woah woah, how can I, some average loser, gain enough attention to be on the radio with a book?" Surely it would probably seem sadistic to have a life story, but getting enough attention would be difficult. I'm just not writing not those Soup For The Soul or other ridiculous self-help guides. Hey, paper! Yeah you! You live your life, and I'll live mine.
     It also advises it's readers to use social networking sites such as Facebook and Youtube to publicize my work. My reaction to this would be a resounding YES! I've got a good 300 friends on Facebook from all over Wisconsin. All those people spreading my work to other schools and such, this would be beneficial. I could also use like pages and other things to connect to people from other parts of the country. After all, who doesn't like spam? Everyone needs it once in a while.
Feel free to comment, and I will continue the story of our miner, Steve, and the blocky world he is trapped in. Where is he? What exploded behind him? Will he survive this strange place? Stay tuned.